Fertility Diaries - part one

Is there a non-weird way to say “we're now having unprotected sex”?

31 May 2024

Is there a non-weird way to say “we're now having unprotected sex”? Trying for a baby makes it sound like we have so much more control than we do. It's weird. All of this is.

I hope you’re there, little one. Maybe soon.

I can’t wait for this next season. I’m trying not to get my hopes up but of course, that’s hard.

Golly, I want you to be real.

9 June

We sang “hallelujah” in worship at church this morning, and a tear slipped out and ran down my cheek because the thought hit me, out of nowhere:

I hope I’ll still be singing this in 6 months if I’m not pregnant.

27 June

I put the pregnancy test face down on the bench and try, with all my might, not to get my hopes up.

I can do a lot of thinking in three minutes.

//

I wake with cramps each morning. I've never wished so hard—or, never wished at all—to see blood, but now, I hope for it; the sign that my body is normal, that it's working, that it's capable of conceiving.

Ten weeks without a period and I think I'm going crazy. I don't know what to wish for anymore. And how can it not be my fault that my body's malfunctioning precisely when we wanted to start trying for a baby?

1 July

Officially one month of trying.

I have it all planned out. The announcement post, the cardigan I’ll crochet, the wooden bassinet Matt will craft, the games we’ll play at the baby shower… I just need to work on the getting pregnant part.

9 July

“Could it be an early sign of pregnancy?” My period tracking app is mocking me.

12 July

I thought the gel would be cold, but it wasn’t.

I thought my first ultrasound would be to see a baby, but it wasn’t.

I lie still on the bed, my bladder bulging as he presses the imaging wand down, sliding it back and forth and tapping away at his keyboard with the other hand.

Matt sits in the corner on a chair behind my head, silent, holding my hand.

I try to count the little white cysts on the screen but give up and stare at the ceiling instead.

//

I hear my own blood squirt against the vial as it flows out, always brighter and thicker than I imagine it.

“Did it hurt?” Matt asks when I leave the clinic, handing me the McDonalds chips he bought me as a treat. He licks his soft serve, and shudders at the thought of the syringe drawing my blood.

I laugh, and he takes me home, and in that laugh is everything I don’t say out loud; that the needles are the least painful part.

31 July

We’re still waiting on the results of my ultrasound and blood tests. I’m not sure what I want the outcome to be. If it’s polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), at least I know what we’re dealing with, but if it’s not, is the unknown worse?

I’ve gone without answers for months now, and I just want to know what’s going on. Is it treatable? Am I naive to not be more worried? I gave it to God and I’m thankful to say I’ve felt His peace a lot in the last month, but His peace doesn’t mean everything’s going to be okay.

I’m afraid that Matt and I are just at the beginning of this fertility journey. I hope I’m wrong, but if I’m not...

I want my faith to be strong enough.

1 August

I had a dream that the doctor told me “I’m really sorry, but you can’t have children.”

I’ve never screamed so loud in a dream, with such anger and sorrow and fear.

I started wondering what life would like if I never become a mother. Does that mean I have to be a ‘career woman’ instead? Does that mean Matt, the man who dreamt of fatherhood from the age of 12, should have picked another girl?

Today marks 15 weeks—105 days—since my last cycle.

Papa, I need your peace.

8 August

I just found out I have PCOS.

We suspected that might be the case, but having it confirmed still brought on tears.

Now it feels real.

Before it felt fun, whimsical even, to imagine we could get pregnant at any point. The very idea that it would happen naturally at some point took the pressure off deciding exactly when to have a baby. Would it be straight away? In 6 months? I didn’t really mind because I didn’t have to decide; we’d be thrilled regardless.

But now we have to take a much more active, intentional approach. We have to stimulate ovulation, do blood tests to check if it’s worked, and then calculate exactly when to do *it*. There’s no room for error, and each time it doesn’t work will cost us more.

More money, more energy, more time, more of my blood…

Agh. I’m just scared. And continually coming to terms with the fact that Matt isn’t thinking about a lot of these things. His world isn’t about to be rocked, at least not until further down the line. His body isn’t going to change. His career isn’t going to be put on pause.

I want this to be a team thing and it is, I guess, but it feels like a high stakes game where Matt is benched, having to cheer from the sidelines.

I’m not sure if I’m ready for all this.

//

Papa, I choose to keep trusting you. Your plans. Your timing. Your goodness.

I’m afraid to say I’ll trust you no matter what, even if we can’t have a baby, because the story of Job has always rocked me to my core and I don’t know how much anyone can truly know they mean that declaration until it’s been forged through fire.

But I’ll say it anyway, even while I’m doubting the words:

I trust you.

Friends, this is part one of a three-part series I’ll be sharing over the next few weeks. You can read part two here.

If you’d like to be the first to hear when I next share a piece, you can drop your email address below; it’s completely free and a way to let me know you’d like to keep reading bits and pieces! And don’t worry, I won’t be bombarding your inbox; you’ll only hear from me when there’s something new to share. Thanks for your support.

On a final note, I want to acknowledge that fertility is a very personal, sensitive topic, and I would hate for anything I share here to cause pain for anyone reading; so if that’s a particular struggle for you, please know that I see you, and you’re in my prayers. Reach out if you ever need.

—Maddy x

p.s. I’m much more active over on Instagram, so if you’re wanting to connect and get random, unpolished snippets of life and all its in-betweens, you can find me there as @maddygracehope, or click the button below!